You give me miles and miles of mountains, and I ask for the Sea.

New Journal.

2005-04-15T16:24:39Z

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-14T20:46:00

2005-04-15T01:47:38Z

ljdslfkjdslkflkflkjflkdsjfldskjf

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-14T18:34:00

2005-04-14T23:34:14Z

ibrk4gummibears (6:31:48 PM): if im beautiful than you are soo sexy

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-14T18:30:00

2005-04-14T23:34:02Z

I wanna hear you say I'm
worth it.

It's enlightening, to think of the breeze, when you watch the sunset, think of me.

2005-04-14T22:33:44Z

I wrote you a letter. I'm never
going to send it, and you'll never
read it.

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-12T17:01:00

2005-04-12T22:04:02Z

What do I do now? Now I'm
even more lost, and even more
confused. This is just another
disappointment. Should I be used
to them now?

Find a home in me.

2005-04-12T01:58:03Z

I'd change for you if it would
make you happy. I would do
anything for you to be happy.

Most days, you're the only one who gets me.

2005-04-12T00:41:22Z

Nothing sucks more than
missing the only people who get you.
[Which, mind you, is not a large number.]
I miss you... our schools should like, be right
next to each other or... we should move into
the same neighborhood, cos I miss you too
much it hurts. It hurts. It's like I'm only
half a person without you around. I'm not
witty and mean. I enjoy mean.
We seriously need to start that book. I have
the markers, you bring the embarassing pictures
and we'll call it a date.

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-10T15:18:00

2005-04-10T20:20:07Z

What's funny is that you
would never notice unless
you were looking for it.
What's even funnier is, you
dont even notice it when it's
staring you in the face, mocking
you, saying, "I own her, she's mine.
She will always be a fucked up girl,
and I will never let her be okay."
And you'll just say, "Here's a bandaid,"
and walk out of the room.

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-10T11:17:00

2005-04-10T16:18:03Z

You confuse me like no one else has.
And this is frustrating.

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-09T20:56:00

2005-04-10T02:03:40Z

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-08T19:49:00

2005-04-09T00:50:18Z

I seriously think I am falling in love with Rooney.
I want every song I can get my hands on.
Burn me a copy if you love me :D

Stab.

2005-04-08T22:05:28Z

You didnt remember. And I hate you.
You dont understand on why I have to
get away from myself today, do you?
But no, I'm grounded, I can't do anything
I'm just stuck. with myself. I'm so tired of
crying when no one's around.

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-07T19:41:00

2005-04-08T00:42:29Z

Where do I get a Kevin? I want one.
I bet they ran out of the good boys.

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-07T18:57:00

2005-04-07T23:59:04Z

Who's gonna watch the Pope's funeral with me and Kelly? It'll be funnn. you know you wanna come~!

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-07T16:39:00

2005-04-07T21:43:31Z

I've decided.

Today is going to be a good day
and I'm going to be a wonderful
daughter who's going to have
everything ready and I'm going to
be nice to my asshole of a father,
I am going to pick my battles and
watch my tongue. I will die if I do
not get ungrounded. Yes, I know
it was stupid, I don't need any
reminders. Shut up, I've got it
under control, I'm going to get
ungrounded by next weekend
so I can go the zoo or ice skating
or hang out with Kelly. Cos I
miss her more than anything.

Hm, I want a new lj. Maybe I'll
be a bitch and make it friends only.
...Maybe.

My bones tired, Daddy.

2005-04-06T23:44:19Z

Maybe sometimes I should just hold
my tongue, let it roll off my back and
forget about it moments later. But I can't.
I'm not made that way, I dont let things
go easily. If I didnt do something, I didn't
do it, and I'm going to tell you so. But for you,
to tell me that I am disgraceful and you are
ashamed of me; well, that just hurts.

My bones are tired, Daddy
I don't get enough sleep
I don't eat as good as I should, Daddy
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I sleep past noon, Daddy
Drink lots of black coffee and I smoke like a chimney,
Yes, I left the refrigerator door half open, Daddy
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I want to rip out your throat, Daddy
For all those things you said that were mean,
Gonna make you just as vunerable as I was, Daddy
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I want to bash in your teeth, Daddy
Gonna use your tongue as a stamp
Gonna rip your heart out the way you did mine, Daddy
Go ahead and psycho-analyse that
'Cause I'm your creation, I'm your love Daddy
Grew up to be and do all those sick things you said I'd do
Well last night I saw you sneak out your window
With your white hood, Daddy
What's that say about you?
I'm sloppy, what's that say about you?
I'm messy, what's that say about you?
My bones are tired, Daddy.

I dont wanna fight at the dinner table
anymore. This is why I just gotta get away.

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-06T16:27:00

2005-04-06T21:46:12Z

I'm just a little unwell.

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-05T16:26:00

2005-04-05T21:57:00Z

You'd think that after four months, I'd stop crying on the floor.

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-04T16:09:00

2005-04-04T21:09:47Z

tell the truth

you never wanted me.

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-03T20:13:00

2005-04-04T01:24:10Z

This is from a book called Lucas by Kevin Brooks.

He told me grief lasts forever, and that if it didnt last forever, then it wasn't true grief. He said, "I know it sounds hard to believe, but once you stop fighting it and accept that it as a part of you, it's not such a bad thing. It'll still hurt, it'll still tear you apart, but in a different way. A more intimate way. You can use it, it's yours. It belongs to you. But the pain of grief..." He hesitated. "The pain of you're feeling now doesnt last forever, Cait. It can't. It hurts too much. You can't live with that much pain -- not forever. Your body can't take it. Your mind cant take it. It knows that if you don't get over it, it's going to kill you. And it doesnt want that. So it makes you get over it."

"But I dont want to --"

"I know.. I know. But listen, getting over it doesn't mean forgetting it, it doesnt mean betraying your feelings, it just means reducing the pain to a tolerable level, a level that doesnt destroy you. I know the idea of getting over it is unimaginable. It's impossible. Inconceivable. Unthinkable. You dont want to get over it. Why should you? It's all you've got. You dont want kind words, you dont care about what other people think or say, you dont want to know how they felt when they lost someone. They're not you, are they? They can't feel what you feel. The only thing you want is the thing you cant have. It's gone. Never coming back. No one knows how that feels. No one knows what it's like to reach out and touch someone who isnt there and will never be there again. No one knows that unfillable emptiness. No one but you." He looked at me, a single tear in his eye. "You and me love. We dont want anything. We want to die. But life won't let us. We're all it's got."

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-03T19:30:00

2005-04-04T00:35:24Z

The thing is, I am not a bad kid.
I dont steal, I dont cheat, I dont
have sex, I dont smoke, I dont do
drugs, I dont give head in movie
theatres. I dont drink, I dont drink
and drive, I dont intentionally hurt
people; I do my homework and
really try hard in school.
And you seem to think that
I'm the most terrible child ever. And
I'm not.

Maybe I should mess up more to
prove to you that I'm not perfect.

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-03T12:29:00

2005-04-03T17:29:01Z

I HATE YOU IF YOU TOLD I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-03T11:40:00

2005-04-03T16:47:15Z

You havent known me for a long time.
You only think you have, and that just
makes you look even more naive.
You havent known me since October.

bubblegumloser @ 2005-04-02T21:57:00

2005-04-03T03:58:21Z

Today was great, until about 9:15